One of my best friends recently shared a post on her Facebook page titled “22 Habits of Unhappy People.” Since I can’t resist click bait titles, I read it and was alarmed at how many of the habits applied to me.
I’m officially an unhappy person. Let’s look at the list, shall we?
1) Chronic complaining.
Yup. This. Is. Me.
I live to complain. I grew up in a family that never had a good word to say about anyone or anything. All we ever did was judge and criticize and complain about EVERYTHING. We’d watch tv and it’d be non-stop heckling at the screen. We’d go to concerts or shows and my parents would badmouth everything about the performance. We’d go to restaurants and pick apart each meal literally and figuratively, pointing out all the flaws of each dish even as we’d be cramming it into our mouths.
2) Retail therapy.
I’m a cheapskate so I don’t do this very often. I admit that on particularly heinous days, I will make myself feel better by buying a new sweater or pair of shoes.
3) Binge drinking.
Say what? The article states that alcohol is a depressant? I did NOT just read that.
4) Worrying about the future.
Stop playing. Everybody does this! It’s totally normal.
5) Waiting for the future.
Ok. I’m guilty of this one. This is what the article says:
When you are in high school, you think you will be happy when you graduate. Once you’ve graduated, you think you will be happy once you land a good job. Once you have the dream job, you think you will be happy when you are married. Next you think you will be happy when you have kids. Once you have kids, you think you will be happy when they move out of the house. Next it will be when they have kids. Before you know it you will have spent your entire life waiting for events to bring you happiness just to realize life (and happiness) has passed you by.
I’m constantly thinking about “tomorrow” “later” “the weekend” “the next holiday” “the next vacation” in order to get myself through the hideousness of “now”.
6) Lack of hobbies.
My job, cleaning and watching tv are not hobbies. Huh. No shit, Sherlock. I’d give up the first two gladly. Just drop off my twenty million dollars and my man-servant, thankyouverymuch. Then I’ll pick up a hobby. After I binge-watch some more Netflix.
7) Eating poorly.
8) Thinking poorly of others.
If judging were an Olympic sport, I’d be gold medalist. I, Judgy McJudgerson, am judging you at all times.
9) Holding grudges.
I don’t do this so fuck you, list-writing person!
10) Stop learning.
My brain can’t handle any more information. I’d rather pull my toenails out with pliers than compute new data.
11) Not following through.
This one hits me hard. I never follow through. I eventually quit everything (or I don’t even bother starting). Just ask the husband how many times I’ve told him that I’m going to join a gym.
12) Hating your job.
This is a tough one for me. As many of you know from reading this blog, I constantly question what it is that I want to do with my life. Am I just being a vapid, flaky lazy-ass or should I pull the plug on my misery and find something else to do? Do I need to suck it up or shut it down?
13) Loneliness (how you choose to socialize)
I’ve become a goddamn hermit. I hate being around people. I used to love going to parties, going out to dinner, being with human beings. Now, as soon as I’m done work, I high tail it home where I’m safe and unbothered. I spend way more time on social media than I should, where I wait with baited breath to see how many likes I can get on posts and photos in order to validate my existence and make me feel better about myself. The irony is that constantly being on social media is making me feel super shitty because look at how beautiful and perfect and fanfuckingtastic everyone’s baking, food, families, clothes, bodies, houses, vacations, jobs, blah blah blah, is.
14) Letting negative thoughts enter your mind.
I only have negative thoughts in my mind. You know that by reading this blog.
15) Jumping to conclusions.
One Christmas, many years ago, I bought a light-up plastic sled from the Dollar Store and plugged it in my office at work. One day, I forgot to unplug the damn thing and went home for the weekend. I woke up in a panic at 2 am, remembered the sled, and was certain the building was burning down. I mean, the fucking thing was made in China. Hell, it would probably spontaneously combust even without being plugged in! I couldn’t fall back asleep and the next morning, I immediately texted my coworker, who I knew was working that weekend, to unplug it for me (that is, IF the building was still standing).
16) Magnification (blowing small things out of proportion)
You have no idea how many times I let small things absolutely devastate me. See above at paragraph 15.
17) Minimization (taking your problems and not dealing with them)
I have a problem/project/file that I need to work on?
Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalala if I ignore you, you don’t exist!
18) Self labelling.
I tell myself that I’m a piece of garbage all the time. When I fail, it’s because I suck. I should’ve known/done better and it’s because I’m me that I screwed it up.
19) Not having a goal.
Is “making it to the end of today” a goal?
20) Worrying what others think.
Oh God, I’m sure that person over there is looking at me and thinking that I’m a fat ugly cow who can’t dress herself. Aaaaarrrggghhhh I just sounded like a total idiot in front of the judge, court staff and a room full of my colleagues and I’m sure they exploded in laughter as soon as I walked out of the courtroom. Waaaaaaaah I took fifteen minutes to parallel park into that spot like fucking Austin Powers and every person who was waiting for me in traffic is shooting death glares as they drive by.
21) Let strangers effect your mood.
When people don’t thank me for letting their car in front of me or some jackass cut in line or some jerk bumped into me and didn’t say sorry, I stew over it for hours. I then stage elaborate revenge plots in my brain. That’s totally not normal.
22) Wanting more money.
I always think that I need to make more money because it would guarantee security and I’d be happier. Why do I never heed the wise words of the late, great Notorious B.I.G. and recognize that “mo’ money mo’ problems”?
Ok, which one of you assholes wrote this list with me in mind? It might as well be called “22 Habits of Negative Nancy”.
Back in October, I was working 12 hour days for a few weeks in order to meet a deadline. I was so goddamn miserable. I was irrationally angry, even more so than I usually am. I was tempted several times to run people over with my car. I would actually audibly grumble under my breath like a crazy person. I stopped smiling (really). I couldn’t sleep. At one point, I was throwing papers around in my office and kicking the recycling box over.
I felt like a lunatic. Like I was being sucked into a deep, dark, dank pool of blackness and I didn’t even want to climb out.
Calgon, take me away. And by Calgon, I mean the mental health authorities.
This teaches me a lesson.
I really need to break the cycle of negativity in my life. I need to focus on the positives. I need to stop complaining and start doing. I need to step away from the computer and start interacting with human beings again. I need to be kinder to myself and to others.
I need to stop clicking on my friends’ Facebook posts… unless it’s a link to a video of puppies snuggling with kittens.