I enjoyed my last Random Crap post so much (and judging by your comments, so did you!) that I thought I’d make this a regular series. I mean, one of the main reasons I started my blog was so that I could wax lyrical ad nauseam about all the crazy stuff I think about. Whether or not anyone reads my thoughts or even cares is just icing on my looney tunes cake.
Anyone here read the blog Neighborfood by my friend, Courtney? If not, you totally should! I LOVE her blog, people. Every time I read her posts, I’m nodding in agreement with something she’s saying, I’m literally laughing out loud because she’s hilarious, and I’m drooling because everything she makes is ingenius and delicious (pizza fondue! copycat Red Lobster Cheddar Bay biscuits!). The girl almost got arrested for receiving a package of sugar (well, not really, but you have to head over to this blueberry buckle cake post for the awesome story). She recently brought to my attention in her Leftovers: March 2014 Edition post the existence of a Things I Don’t Do List, which bloggers are now compiling to combat the stress of the “Keeping Up With the Pinterests” phenomenon.
Everyone’s food/hair/makeup/clothes/houses/cars/jobs/bodies/children/husbands/existence look so amazing but really, we’re just seeing a tiny portion of people’s lives which have been highly stylized and selected for publication in order to make the rest of us feel disgustingly inadequate. Still, I constantly feel like I’m not as good as everyone else when it comes to, well, LIFE.
So, here’s a list of Things I Don’t Do:
1) I don’t do my hair. It’s never perfect. I use a two in one shampoo/conditioner instead of fancy spa shampoos that cost thirty bucks a bottle. I don’t blow dry it. I go to sleep with a head of wet hair and it looks like mangled road kill in the morning. Nothing tames it. Since I’m usually running around, completely flustered, my hair gets all sweaty and sticks to my face. Super hawtness.
2) I don’t budget. I’m terrible at arranging my finances. All I know is that I work, collect a salary, and somehow I’m able to pay my bills. Thank gawd that the Husband is on top of it. He’s always budgeting and calculating and planning. He could be secretly stealing all my money for all I know!
3) I don’t change the sheets as often as I should. For a woman who drools as much as I do, it’s not optimal.
4) I don’t speak Cantonese very well and this one really does bother me, me being Chinese ‘n all, living in a city swarming with my fellow countrymen. I can choke out some words to talk about food and the weather, but anything more technical than that, it might as well be astrophysics! Curse my younger self for refusing to attend Chinese school!
5) I don’t have any patience for children. None. Zero. I can’t even read to my nieces ‘n nephews for more than five minutes before I’m yawning. YAWNING! Visibly showing the child that I would rather be unconscious than spending precious quality time with them. Yes, I’m a monster. In that vein, here’s a video of Samuel L. Jackson reading the brilliant book, Go The Fuck to Sleep.
6) I don’t engage very much on social media (I rarely post on my Facebook or Google+ pages) but I don’t have any fucks to give about it right now because seriously, there’s only so much time in a day when you have a full time job (and your employer blocks social media on your work computer! Aaaarrgggghhhhh!), a Husband you should probably spend some time with and a dog who needs to be walked and fed and kept alive.
7) I don’t submit my photos to any of the food blogging photo sharing sites. I know, I know, I’m missing out on a huge source of readership, but will it be the quality that I’m seeking? People might come by to briefly check out the recipe, thus making my stats increase, but will I get the incredible engagement I currently get with my dear beloved readers such as yourselves? Who knows. But again, refer to the line about having no fucks in the above note.
8) I don’t have much of a filter meaning that in real life, I’m super loud, I make inappropriate comments, I say racist things because I’m a visible minority and when you’re a visible minority, it’s totally allowed, and I swear. A lot. I’ve been really toning down my language this past year and a half of blogging but I’ve been reading a lot of blog posts lately where the writer is being unapologetically, 100% themselves, curse words, inappropriate comments ‘n all. I admire that and I need to remember, this is my space. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to come here. But please, do come here. I want you to like meeeeeeeeeeeee!
I don’t watch SNL but I do watch sketches of SNL that other people post online immediately after (or sometimes during) SNL (thank you strangers!). Anna Kendrick guest-starred this past weekend and she was in a hilarious Little Mermaid sketch. Unfortunately, all the videos have been pulled off line so you’ll have to take my word for it.
I lost my shit over The Little Mermaid when I was a kid. I borrowed the VHS tape from my cousin after it was released on video and I watched it every day after school for about six months. I wanted Ariel’s beautiful long flowing red locks. Her hair is glorious. The best of all the princesses. Who cares that her waist is the size of my wrist and that it’s kinda weird how much boobage is happening in a movie being marketed to young impressionable souls?
Prince Eric is the best looking Disney prince in my humble opinion. Then they released Aladdin, who is basically a brown version of Prince Eric.
See? It’s undeniable.
While I realize that Hans Christian Anderson’s The Little Mermaid is the stuff nightmares are made of, it would’ve been pretty rad if Disney stuck to the original material. She gets her tongue cut out in exchange for legs, which by the way, feels like a knife tearing her in half. She has gorgeous gams but it feels like a thousand blades are stabbing her feet when she walks, therefore causing her feet to bleed incessantly (sexy!). The Prince falls for a neighbouring princess who he believes saved his life and marries her. The Little Mermaid then must face death but would be saved if she stabbed the Prince to death. In the end, she’s like, homicide is whack, yo, and instead, flings herself into the water and becomes one with the air spirits. It would’ve taught a whole generation of little girls how to be truly selfless. Your life ain’t worth shit, girls, when compared to the life of a rich hottie.
Speaking of hot, Saveur’s nominations for Best Food Blog Awards 2014 are out and I was absolutely thrilled to see that the blog Two Red Bowls, written by my friend Cynthia, is one of the nominees for Best New Blog. She guest posted for me while I was gone with these gaaaaaaah-gous and delicious cranberry brie puffs. Her blog is amazing, her photography is top-notch, she’s a kick ass woman in and out of the kitchen, and she maintains her blog while holding down crazy hours as an associate at a NYC law firm. I’m so proud of her and I encourage all of you to go and cast your vote (you’ve only got a few more days. Voting closes on April 9th).
And speaking of April 9th (look at all of these smooth segues!), that’s the day my giveaway for Ruth Clemens’ book, Creative Eclairs, ends! Check out this post for the details.
Have you seen those incredible videos by the French coffee brand, Carte Noire? I know a lot of people lately have been railing against the term “food porn” but that’s the only way to describe these videos. There’s so much dripping, piping, melting, steaming, sticky creamy sweet liquids…gawd almighty, it’s almost obscene! I CANNOT tear my eyes away.
That is but only one example. More baby. Gimme more!
And gimme more of these gluten free peanut butter bars.
I used this recipe for gluten free toffee and milk chocolate peanut butter cookies from Kayle, the Cooking Actress. Girl, these are serious business.
I pressed them into a bar because I figured I’d have toffee, chocolate and peanut butter in my face faster if I didn’t have to shape cookies.
And of course I topped them, fresh out of the oven, with no churn salted bourbon caramel swirl ice cream (a combination of this ice cream recipe and this caramel recipe on my blog). Have mercy. Sweet, chewy, sticky, chocolatey mercy.
My disgusting hair is sticking to my sweaty face. I need a cold shower now.